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_i_justDONT_give_a_FUCK!!_
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 23rd, 2007|01:17 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | how's it going to be - third eye blind | ] |
Hello, LiveJournal.
I got really in the mood to write about what's been going on with me just now, only I just don't know what to write.
How about I write about what I've been feeling lately. Sounds good.
So, I am kind of in love with someone who is off limits. And I know that this time it's not displaced affections for someone who is clearly a friend, because that really is my M.O. when it comes to guys most of the time. Not this time. I can't really say "I'm in love", because I'm not IN anything. I'm IN friendship, but I'm in a long term friendship. And I really can see it happening some day. And happening for real, like... head over heels love. I guess it's sort of love at first sight, only.... not sight. Love at first kindness/realization of character. He is a great guy, he really is. He's the best kind of guy. And I won't let my feelings be known, just because I know they'll develop. It's there between us, and it is really fun watching it develop. Because there's such a connection between us, I don't want to rush something that is naturally going to happen. I want to linger in the development, I really do. And I really don't feel that it's the case that I am a little nutty and dillusional. Most times I do, but not this time. This is real. And if it take years to come to the inevitable love it seems at this point destined to be, then it will be okay. I just like how I feel around him, I like how we interact, and I just plain love the guy. I really do. And no one really knows. And he is sort-of-seeing someone who goes to school in Philly, and I haven't been holding back for him at all. And it's at that stage. But I know that further down the line, it will happen between us. And it makes me excited, nervous, and totally enamored. Totally enamored. He's got it. He really has got it, completely. And it's strange, because usually in this situation I would be totally heartbroken, crushed, hopelessly in love and painfully trying to make it happen prematurely. Not this time. Not this ONE. This person. This amazing soul, I can wait for it... I care for him that much, and I care for myself as much as to hold off on throwing my emotions out on the table too soon. But I know it's there. We are there. Ughk. He's just amazing.
Other than that, I'm coming to a major life decision. This entire year has been one great lesson, and I'm so thankful for it. Midterm grades came out, and I didn't really show any improvement, but trust me that I'm improved. I know what I have to do to get my grades where they should be, and I know what is going on with me and what I want to do. I was unenthused about my future but now I realize what needs to happen.
#1- Leave Scranton. I'm not 100% sure on this one, but I am at about 80% as of right now. I like it here. LIKE. I don't love it. And for 45K a year, I should be getting more from this place. I should absolutely LOVE it here. And I do love it here, but only because it's a place without my parents, with really awesome friends, and it's me on my own (virtually). But I can have that elsewhere... which brings me to
#2- Move back to NY, specifically NYC, and more specifically Brooklyn. I need to move on to a new phase, and I can't picture anywhere else I'd want to go to school and live than Brooklyn, in an apartment with my sister and maybe a couple friends. Go to a CUNY school, chill in the city, go to Columbia for grad school. That is the projected dream for grad school anyhow, so why waste my money here at Scranton when I could go to a CUNY and save it for Columbia.
So that's where I'm at. I'm not at my peak, but I'm getting there. I'm in love but letting it settle, subside, and let it take it's course. I'm pretty contented. I'm pretty ok.
I'm not there yet, but I'm ok with where I'm at and the road I'm taking. |
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| this would be an article if i wasn't such a hack. |
[Sep. 13th, 2007|02:13 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | musical | ] |
| [ | music |
| | it's pretty clear i'm shuffling around | ] |
it's actually not one of those stupid things i yoinked from someone else, it's something i started thinking about today... there have been few albums that have truly changed my life... and i figured that i should document them somewhere while i was thinking about it...
first and foremost:
>the beatles - abbey road
-this album not only changed my life, but has been a part of my life since about age 6. this album is classic. just plain fucking genious, every song is a new but familiar melody and lyric... and ughk. this album. anytime, anywhere, any age, any volume... i will always love to listen to this album.
>the counting crows - august and everything after
-this album was just plain silly for me. just a time in my life when i appreciated lyricism in any form, and when i knew that i was in love with words. it's the counting crows best album, and it kicks me into romanticism everytime.
>radiohead - ok computer
-it's truly hard for me to choose one favorite radiohead album, and the truth is, this isn't my only one. in fact, no radiohead album is my favorite, they all fucking kick my ass.... however. when choosing radiohead albums that have changed my life.... ok computer is the tops, b. this album fucking means so much to me. i'm vaclempt.
>311 - Grassroots
-Oh god. if there existed one album that could rock my face off, 311 produced it, and it's Grassroots. this fucking album is the shit, hands down. rocks my face off. so hard. so sensually. ughk... this album is ridiculous.
>fiona apple - extraordinary machine
-what else can i possibly have to say about this album besides the fact that i love every song on it, it's the most amazing female solo album ever, and it fucking changed who i am. the title track? holy shit. holy motherfucking shit. window? holy fucking shit. this album basically made for cream jeans and hard ass chillin on some melodies, son. forreal. this album fucking rocks.
>korn - life is peachy
-wow. i was so young when i loved this album. when i truly fell in love with this album. and it's funny how the meanings of songs change over time... because i really don't understand how at like 9-11yrs. old i could have possibly comprehended this album in its fullest.
>incubus - s.c.i.e.n.c.e.
-still my favorite incubus album. still rocks my fucking shit. the lyricism and fucking genious production on these fucking tracks man.... every goddamn song on this album is pure genious. ridiculous. seriously. this album is just something else.
>foo fighters - the colour and the shape
-this album is the greatest thing the foo fighters ever put out and i love every track from 'doll' to 'see you' to the ever popular and romantic 'everlong'.... truly the shit.
>wu-tang - enter the wu-tang (36 chambers)
-what made me truly appreciate the WU. it's my "don't you ever fuck with me (while i'm smoking this J and drinkin' this 40oz)" album.
>alicia keys - songs in A minor
-her voice is the shit. her piano skills are ridiculous for our time, she's so classical and so soulful and just... she's alicia keys. nuff said.
>lauryn hill - miseducation of lauryn hill
-not my favorite singles that lauryn hill ever put out, but certainly my favorite overall album. amazing songs. amazing voice.
>alanis morrisette - jagged little pill
-so, it turns out i am a girl. and i do enjoy angry chick rock tunes from time to time. but come on. if you were alive in the 90s, you got down with songs like 'you oughta know' and 'ironic'.
>led zeppelin - in through the out door
-one song. carouselambra. pure plant poetry. pure raw musical/lyrical genious. enough said.
that about sums up my albums. they really do hold a special place inside me, for real. |
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| you should make ammends with you, if only for better health... |
[Jun. 10th, 2007|11:57 am] |
i'm ready, and here's why... (most of this is taken from conversations with matt & emily)
i was telling emily the other day, that what a lot of me needs to realize is that I can't worry about everyone else but me.
i can care about people... i DO care about people. i have some of the most amazing friends one could ask for. but that cannot be the only thing i achieve as a young adult. that cannot be the only thing i can say for myself. and although my friends tell me that i'm more than that, and i know that i'm more than that... for so long i haven't SHOWN i'm more than that.
i rarely ever improve upon myself. i do when forced, and even then it's hard and most times unaccomplished. and what i was saying to both matt and emily is that i strive to be there for everyone else. not to toot my own horn, but i put so much of myself and invest so much in the wellbeing and happiness of all my friends, and subsequently forget about myself in the process. and that's not even the reasoning in full. most times i just want to get away from myself. i want to know what's going on with YOU so i don't have to think about ME. i want to smoke, and drink, and be with friends and not think about how bad i've fucked it all up or how bad it's going to be tomorrow when my parents find out i fucked it up, or WHATEVER. anything, anybody, any means to escape my own thoughts. and that's not right.
all the experts say that loving yourself is the key to loving life... and i don't love myself. i don't even really like myself. i avoid everything, i make excuses, i'm lazy, i'm overweight, i'm just generally unsatisfied with my person. and i'm afraid, most of all. for so long i've been afraid of what change will bring. now i'm just afraid of what may happen if i DON'T change. i feel like all this time is being wasted. i feel like if i don't self-examine and redefine myself, i may lose myself. i will lose myself. and then what will i be? a hollow shell of a girl who once had a chance and didn't take it. and i've been given so many chances in life and so many fortunes and opportunities, and what do i DO with them? i screw everything up! and it's sad, and i'm sick and tired of feeling like i can never accomplish anything fully. i'm sick of being depended on to fail.
also, i started thinking about pot. because i thought of all of this while high. and it's not pot. stereotypically, marijuana is a drug that is amotivational and causes people to lack the skills to better themselves. but that's also shown by statistics of people who take the easy way out. and the easy way out is hard to live with, believe me. but although this all is true, my problem is not pot. my crutch is pot, and always has been. kerri and i joke around and say that weed is our wife. and it is, it truly is. i wouldn't have met, bonded, stuck with, (or at the very basics of it SMOKED WITH) the people i know and love today. most of my best friends smoke weed. and i like it that way, we're cool people. HOWEVER... for a long time people told me this was my problem and if i stopped maybe i would achieve more and blah blah blah...
unacceptable. i won't quit smoking weed. it's unnessecary for me to do so. i will just start living alongside it. because it's not impossible. look at all the people who succeeded and smoked! i will break the stereotype.
so what it all comes down to, is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine...
because i've got one hand in my pocket, and the other one's givin' a PEACE SIGN |
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| i have an affinity for wasting time |
[Jun. 4th, 2007|06:23 pm] |
01. Put your music player on shuffle.
02. Press forward for each question.
03. Use the song title as the answer to the question.
What does next year have in store for me?
The consequence of sounds - Regina Spektor
"the world's got a nosebleed it said, and we're flooding but we keep on cutting the trees and the forests"
What's my love life like?
Savoy Truffle - The Beatles
"But can you tell me where you are, cream tangerine and montelmiar"
What do I say when life gets hard?
Chump - Green Day
"Or maybe I'm just dumb"
What song will I dance to at my wedding?
Tiny Dancer - Elton John
"You'll marry a music man..."
What do I want as a career?
Dreams - The Game
"Blushin' in this 40oz, letting the ink from my pen bleed."
My personal catchphrase:
Consequence (acoustic) - Incubus
"You'd better think fast, think fast... 'cause you never know what's coming around the bend."
What I do when I'm sad?
The Red - Chevelle
"Slip away, to clear your mind."
My pet's name?
Euphoria (Firefly) - Dilerium
"Like a firefly"
What kind of friend am I?
On Mecury - Red Hot Chili Peppers
"Come again and tell me what you're going through"
My favorite place?
The Road - Nick Drake
"You can take the road that takes you to the stars now, I can take the road that will see me through"
Describe my sex life:
Cold Hard Bitch - Jet
"cold hard bitch, just a kiss on the lips and i was on my knees, i'm waitin'..."
What do I think of my parents?
Fat Lip - Sum41
"don't tell us to behave, i'm sick of always hearing 'act your age'!"
What's my porn star name?
Californication - Red Hot Chili Peppers
"It's understood that Hollywood sells Californication"
My first date?
Ironic - Alannis Morrisette
"A little too ironic?"
The 'one' will propose to me at...
Monuments and Melodies - Incubus
"You magnify my better half"
Drug of choice?
All you need is love - The Beatles
"Love, Love, Love... it's easy"
What my inner fool says:
Easy like a Sunday Morning - Lionel Richie
"That's why I'm easy, easy like a Sunday morning"
Describe yourself.
Pawn Shop - Sublime
"I don't wanna, I don't wanna leave my bed today"
What is the thing I like doing most?
I Will - The Beatles
"The song will fill the air"
Best comeback I have:
Fat Bottomed Girls - Queen
"Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round!"
What is my state of mind like at the moment?
Kiss the Girl - Rockapella
"Ain't that sad, ain't it a shame, too bad... he's gonna miss the girl"
What will my next fortune cookie say?
1979 - Smashing Pumpkins
"they're not sure just what we have in store."
How will I die?
There There - Radiohead
"we are accidents waiting to happen"
The last song I'll ever hear?
Optimistic - Radiohead
"If you try the best you can, the best you can is good enough"
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 1st, 2007|02:21 am] |
correction:
everything is NOT shit.
i have been given a third chance to prove i'm worth what i think i am.
i'm doing it. it's going to be the best.
so... as for that last entry. it's a bunch of ranting and nonsense.
i will go on. i will survive. and i will go back, and succeed.
i will succeed (and smoke mad weed. hahaha.) |
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| everything has gone wrong |
[May. 26th, 2007|12:42 am] |
everything is shit.
i'm being choked out. i'm being suffocated. i am about to be told that i can't be where i've been most happy anymore. i don't know what to do. i'm seriously losing it. everything is out of my control. i'm being told. i have no choice in anything anymore, and it's eating at me. it's absolutley drowning me.
i'm hoping for the best in a situation i have no control over, i'm hoping there's a way. if there is a way, i hope that god or whatever willing power there is to help me out will do just that, because i can't go back to how it was. 19 is and was supposed to continue to be the best year of my life and in less that 2 days it has turned into the worst. i need to keep going. i've grown so much and i feel that, truly... without lying to myself i feel like i've grown so much as a person and now i'm just back to the same old sour situation.
i really need this. i need my 3rd chance. i don't know what i'm going to do, i really don't. i'm really suffocating.
i feel like the only way i will be able to breathe easy is for this to work out for me. there's really no other option as far as this and as far as i am concerned. i really need this to be one of three things; a warning, a joke, or a nightmare. and i'm hoping it's the first.
i can't believe this is my life right now. i'm floored.
i thought it would be different. i tried to make it different.
i need a break, i really do. i need this summer, and i need to go back to everything in september. please.
please, i can't stay here.... i can't stay locked inside this hell right now. i hate it.
there's no way this is happening to me... i feel like i can't let it, but the point is... i have no say, at all.
i have no control over what will happen to me.
i am so upset. |
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| carrie bradshaw's got nothing on me! |
[May. 21st, 2007|10:16 pm] |
so i started thinking a lot today about how i need to continue to make 19 the best year of my life.
i sound so cutesy and young, but it really has been good so far.
i need to be fabulous.
i need to wear skirts and sandals, i need to do drugs more often - but in the romantic way, not the skeezy way.
i need to live. i need to love. i need to be loved, but not nearly as much as i used to.
i watch too much sex and the city.
so i'm home, for the summer.
and i hope - actually i know it'll be the best one yet.
i really am comfortable with the idea that i'm changing everything about myself without losing the person i am. i am simply improving myself. i'm making myself the daring, sexy, sophisticated, likeable, elegant, yet trashy, humble, and down to earth ME. and i think i'm going to enjoy getting there. i think i'm going to enjoy a great deal this summer. i think i'm going to enjoy sex a whole lot more, enjoy dating and dancing and drinking red wine from fluted glasses a whole lot more... i think i'm going to grow up. i think i am growing up. i think this is what they call 'happy'. |
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| what is going on in the life of me... |
[Apr. 24th, 2007|01:52 am] |
what IS going on in the life of me?
well, a lot. happy things too, which is always a plus.
i'm doing really really well in school. which makes me believe that i can really do this after all. i'm meant to do this. i'm registering for fiction writing and british literature classes. also, i'm taking a really awesome class next semester called "collective behaviors and social movements", all about riots, protests, activist movements and societal consensuses of the past. right on. i'm excited to be a scholar. i'm excited to attend scranton for the next four years, graduate college with honors and go to fordham for grad school while living in brooklyn with some friends. i'm excited for summer trips, this summer and the summers to follow... to florida, england, europe, trashy resorts, and other places. i'm thrilled to be living with cat next year, and then for the next two years after that in a dope little apartment that is big enough to house the two of us plus whatever pothead houseguests we invite over. i'm excited for the direction my life is going to turn in for the next 3-6 years. i have a plan, but i keep it unstructured.
SO. other than my future, lest talk of my recent past.
this past week or two or three has been a haze of... well, haze. and drugs. lots of drugs. and plentiful drinks as well. i capped off my spring sillyness this weekend with some amazing mushrooms on the holiday of holidays, 4/20!!!! Thursday started festivities with much blunt smoking at Ian's, until 4:20am when we retired. then, at 1:00 the next day, the smoking was back on for the entire BEAUTIFUL day, and blunts continued well to and past 4:20pm until around 6:30pm when we all took an 1/8 of mushrooms and preceeded to trip balls until around 1am that night...
that was one of the greatest mushroom experiences of my life. not only did i have an awesome trip, my buddy kate came up to scranton and enhanced it with her presence, orange juice, and car driving. the sky was 10 different shades of pretty blue with a sick moon that followed me all night, i felt like i was alice in wonderland. i labeled erik my white rabbit for the night because he was ever-elusive until about 11:30 when he ate his share. i went to a mecca of all things awesome and edible called "sheetz" and found it to be an interesting rocket ride in the car the whole way. what a night. then we smoked many blunts and i went to sleep precisely at 4:20am that morning.
other than that, kate stayed until sunday, we went to the nature zone also referred to as nayack park/waterfalls with a bunch of kids, and then smoked face until we went out that night with homes and her new guy sam, and ran from police who tried to get me to confess to underage intoxication. yeah. right. fuck bacon.
so it's monday night now, i'm up doing a speech after washing like every item of clothing i own and then smoking orange kush and blueberry haze all day/night.
tomorrow i will go to the gym, finish up my speech, deliver it, and then rest.
wednesday no classes, which means pot smoking and sleep.
and then i meet mark halliday on thursday!!! a true modern american poet and literary icon.
my teacher said he'll be at the bar after the meet and greet, so if i come down he'll buy me and beer and we'll get to have some down time with mark. should be fucking awesome. i am most certainly down for that occaision.
this weekend i go to north salem! going to cat's house and her little sister's sweet sixteen!! very cute and very necessary to get drunk and party for free friday night, then chill and smoke blunts at a lake house until sunday.
i am almost done with freshman year! it is bittersweet. |
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| soundtrack to my life... i just felt like doing this |
[Mar. 27th, 2007|01:39 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | room | ] |
| [ | music |
| | all of the below | ] |
IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
Opening Credits:
"What Goes Around Comes Around" - Justin Timberlake
Waking Up:
"Wake Up" - Rage Against the Machine (...weird)
First Day at School:
"My Way" - Limp Bizkit
Falling in Love:
"With a Little Help from My Friends" - The Beatles
Fight Song:
"Bohemian Rhapsody" - Queen
Break Up Song:
"Samson" - Regina Spektor
Prom:
"Island in the Sun" - Weezer
Life’s Okay:
"Get Crunk Musik" - Jim Jones ft. Cam'ron and Juelz Santana
Mental Breakdown:
"Ring of Fire" - Johnny Cash
Driving:
"Nebula" - Incubus
Flashback:
"Scatterbrain" - Radiohead
Get Back Together:
"There's Always an Excuse" - 311
Wedding:
"Just Wait" - Blues Traveler (oh man... I so want that to be my wedding song)
Birth of a Child:
"Tomorrow Never Knows" - The Beatles
Final Battle:
"Many Men" - 50 Cent
Death Scene:
"Life in a Glass House" - Radiohead
Funeral Song:
"Beautiful Disaster" - 311
End Credits:
"Putting Shame to Your Game" - Beastie Boys |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 27th, 2007|11:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | simpsons theme and show | ] |
i don't want to be foolish.
i don't want what i've tried to convince myself i want, and i can't convince him to want what it is that i always want.
its not even about sex. it's not about the parties, and the nights spent together, and the comfort of having someone near even for a moment or two. it's about what i need. it's about what i want for me, what i've wanted for myself with every relationship or semblance of a relationship i've had in the past.
second guessing always sucks, because on one hand... my goals in a relationship and my wants and wishes have gone unanswered for so long. un-responded to, really. and now as i'm starting a new chapter of my life, my 20th year of living... i want what everyone else around my age seemingly wants. liberating, commitmentless, sexual satisfaction. it's taken me a bit to catch on to this need, but have i really caught on to this trend of dissatisfaction and settlement? or is that just one of the pretty little lies i tell myself so i don't have to feel so out of my element and disconnected from my generation.
i'm not a person who questions who i am, but i'm beginning to dig deeper into who i want to be as the years go on. and for years i've stood out as being a person apart from such behaviors. i've hailed myself as being above such wrecklessness. and now? i crave it. i crave it, but deeper i crave something so much more...
and every guy i have considered to be that missing puzzle piece has told me i'm wrong. they don't fit, don't want to fit, and i'm left incomplete and alone.and that's really what it comes down to. i'm lonley. i'm just lonley and unfulfilled. at 19 can i really be mad about that? do i have a case?
i miss longing for more.
i miss, if not so much more, the poeticism of it all.
on another, more definitive note...
i have never been more sane or more alive in my own skin than i am right now. granted, i'm questioning every aspect of my life, but it's thrilling. i'm truly independent. i'm standing on my own two, and the greatest part about it is that i'm still standing. i miss the love, support, and company of the people i've depended on for so long now... parents, FRIENDS, and my sister... but i'm not sad because i know i will always have it... i've just got to earn it.
i haven't, up until now. i've coasted through everything expecting so much and never even trying to give more than my opinion and my love. but i've learned that what i need to give back to the support i've recieved is substance. something TO support. something to stand by and give proof to the fact that i'm well worth what i've recieved.
it seems i have a great deal of thoughts running through my mind.
when i started this, i meant to write about how i was mad that a guy didn't call me, mad at myself for being mad about that, and mostly mad about allowing myself to be in that sort of situation. now i'm just confused and amazed at what a great thought process my mind can rattle through and rattle off onto my screen.
they call them fingers... but i never see them fing. |
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| birthdayness |
[Jan. 21st, 2007|09:01 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | rooooooooom | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | oil & water - incubus | ] |
so, i had one of the best birthdays ever courtesy of two of the best friends ever and a sister who's a fucking G.
brickwall birthday blast. although alliteration doesn't do it justice.
blunts, more blunts, SEA thai food in williamsburg, training for hours, bayridge,
whine and cheese. emcee fucking nee. and then a brilliant hookah bar party.
i can officially say i've been sung happy birthday in egyptian.
then it was back to the drawing board, or wall, for some sangria.
then, to beat all, i went home to a delicious dinner and funfetti cake prepared by my lovely dad.
i think it's safe to say 19 should rock as hard as my birthday did. and to those people who made it the most ridiculous, over the top, and best birthday to date. i salute you... you really are the tops. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 7th, 2007|05:01 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | pretty pink ribbon - cake | ] |
something isn't right with me, and it's deeper than i thought it was.
when i said that being lonley and watching everyone around me form relationships that are significant DIDN'T bother me, what i really meant was that it does. and i hate it. and i wish i wasn't so insecure with myself that i have to think that there is something wrong with me because i don't have something romantically significant in my life at this time. however, i think that there is something wrong with me.
i watched never been kissed today. bad idea, as trivial as that sounds. it made me think about things, and think about how i really have never been kissed in the sense that josie gellar explained it. i've kissed guys, i've just never felt that thing. and it's not like i really expected someone's kiss to move mountains at 15, but by 19 i'm starting to believe that there is just something askew with my romantic attachments up until now.
i feel like i've done it all wrong. i've trusted guys that i shouldn't have trusted, i've done things that i knew i'd regret but at the time i thought i had little choice otherwise. i think that was mainly a self-respect issue. but even now, as i begin to come into my own and respect myself in the most hightened sense, i feel like it's not going to happen for me. and maybe that's a part of me changing who i am for the better as i plan to do in this new year and once i return to school. but i still feel like there's something i haven't realized.
and then there's the issue of always thinking that it's my fault. to me, there's no one else who COULD be at fault. in my own head, i've done it all wrong, there are thousands of girls out there just like me who've had atleast one (if not several) significant relationships by 19, and i should just be neutered and save myself the heartache. however there's that tiny little part of me that wants to believe that guys fucking suck and i haven't done anything wrong, i've just gone after the wrong ones.
and that, is SO fucking valid.
as time goes by and i look back on past "relationships" that i've had, i've discovered a pattern. meet, get to know them, flirt, kick game, and it usually ends there or ends after i've done something to compromise my own self respect. and why, i ask myself, do i allow that to happen? because i'm just not the type of person who takes relationships as they come. and that's a problem, romantically, but in all other relations it's such a valuable asset. and i think that's the snag in my mental makeup.
sure, it's natural for me to judge a person after having a conversation with them. after really hearing what a person has to say, i can usually determine whether or not this person is worth my time and what sort of long term friendship i can see myself having with said person. although it may come off judgemental to some, this quality has allowed me to get to know and continue to grow with some of my best friends to date. there are people in my life today who have been important all along, and those who became and continue to become more and more important because of how well they represented themselves in my presence and how appreciative i was for that trait in them.
and that's true friendship, to me atleast. having common ground, trust, and a good sense of several long lasting qualities. certainly this can transfer over to romance, but in my case, i think it has to. and that is where my ship sinks.
whenever i am with someone that i think i may be romantically interested in, i think way ahead of what's infront of me. i'm predictable, it's all down to a science, and a science that has failed so many times before. i think what i need to grasp is the concept of the minute-to-minute. if something is meant to happen, it'll happen. but i'm such a forcer. i force things on people so much.
all this self realization is not necessarily a bad thing either. a week ago i was telling emily how i'm so intimidating. because i know that about myself. not many girls in my situation would let their personalities run wild as i do everyday of my life. my personality is who i am though, and if i let that go i'm letting go of everything i've ever known about myself and everything i am confident about. but sometimes i realize when i have crossed the line of being completely vulgar and unattractive in every sense. and what i was explaining to emily is that it would take a strong heart as well as a strong stomach to handle me. someone who can take me with a grain of salt. and i don't expect to find him now, at 19 years old. but i do hope that there is someone out there who can fill those 'big girl feet' shoes.
i think all this self realization has helped my mood a tiny bit. but once another show, song, movie, picture, phrase, or even friends who have significant others come around, i will feel lonley once again.
and i finally realize why they call it a 'significant other'... i just wish there were someone who could realize my significance.
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 27th, 2006|01:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | rejuvenated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | new incubus | ] |
i wish that i had a room. a place all my own, where no one could barge in on me and wake me up. all i want to do is sleep. sleep long and hard and not have to work for anything. i just want to be bundled up in blankets, in a comfy bed, all to myself, no one around to tell me anything or give me shit. i also just want to smoke ridiculous amounts of weed all day. and be burnt out. and do nothing else. not write shitty poetry that people tell me is good to make me feel important, not draw shitty things that people tell me are good for the same reason. do absolutely nothing. live no life except for sleep. have no relationships except the one with my pillow, because that's never really been all that different.
but alas, reality sets in.
it is now december 27th, and i am in anticipation of the new year, but also i am in deep dread of what it means. 2007 means complete reformation of everything that went wrong with the past 2 years or so. it means prioritizing. it means dieting, and studying, and quitting smoking, and focusing on myself and my future. it means that the next 3 years of my life will be about the next 40 years of my life. it means that i am going to be proactive.
ugggh. already the top part of this entry is just reiterating itself. i just want to sleep.
but alas! ahaha. i can not.
and so i am going to reach that goal of the new and improved me. i'm just afraid of losing some of the good old depressed, overweight, unhappy, academically retarded charm i've displayed for the past few years. i'm scared that it'll all turn out to have been for absolutley nothing. i mean, what would be the harm in improving myself, for the better, in all aspects? i'm afraid it'll be the worst or best thing i've ever done.
ah, extremes. that's why they call it that.
so. i'll be extremely the same for the next 5 days.
in 5 days, i'll be extremely different.
and whoever would like to hold on to the same old me, do it now or forever hold your peace.
and whoever would like to see me change, wish me well.
because this is my red flag. come january 2nd, 2007, i will me an extremely new me.
i promise. |
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| euphoria, reality, loss, happiness. |
[Dec. 21st, 2006|05:00 am] |
| [ | music |
| | love hurts - incubus | ] |
last night was probably the greatest night i've had in a while. i was high, i was tripping, i was happy. i was among the best of friends. for one night, i wasn't inside my own head, i was outside my own head looking in. but alas, drugs.
however, this morning i was reminded that things are back to usual. perpetually dismal because i have little control over much of my life. i've fucked up school utterly. a GPA i'm embarassed to even tell people about, the loss of a 6 thousand dollar grant, and not much to say for myself except for the fact that i learn when it's too late. i'll be going back next semester, and doing worlds better. but i have no words for the stupidity of going into college to just regard education as a joke. but i'm not going to beat myself up over it.
things are dismal. yes. and i've fucked up school almost to the point where i can't bounce back...almost. almost did it. i haven't yet. i don't plan on doing so in future. and i won't. this means everything. this determines everything.
also, dismal comes in forms. school form, personal form, etc. i haven't reached personal form. i smell that it is close, but i'm willing to consider my current status as not quite dismal. i can't fuck that up. i can never fuck up friendships. and if i do, it probably was meant to be fucked up or was fucked up from the start.
i have, absolutley, the best friends in the world. i will never want for more.
i haven't had a relationship in a while. romantically.
i feel like there's a reason for that somewhere hidden.
i've been feeling lonley lately, what with basically everyone i know having a solid relationship or at the very least someone to think about before they hit the pillow. but i don't think i can really be lonley anymore. i'm almost 19. having someone isn't really the top priority. and maybe it is my rigid way of looking at life (now that i've accepted the fact that i've got to discipline myself to do things to better my own outlook)... but love is sort of lost on me right now. and should it come around, i'll welcome it. but i'm not really any worse off without it. just lonley, sometimes. and not often at all. the holidays are much easier to get through than i thought. they say no one wants to be alone at christmastime. but to tell you the truth... i'm unbothered now that they're actually here.
what's that about?
i think despite the disappointment in myself and my grades that are haunting me, i feel some sense of happiness. i'm so happy to be home. i'm so happy to have my family and friends around. i understand now that so many people want to see my success, and want the best things for me, and i love to be surrounded by those who believe in me and whom i believe in, in turn. i miss that feeling. love, trust, knowledge of my character HERE, at home. here, i'm me. i live at my house. people know my history. i'm maddy. i'm comfortable. at Scranton, i'm me only i'm away from everything i've known. i've made my mark as me, and no assumptions were made at first meeting me. i like assumptions sometimes. it's a chance to prove someone wrong, a chance to fight for who i am.
i'm going way too deep into the thoughts of today.
but i had a very big bundle of thoughts.
they keep me company, i guess. |
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| this is my december |
[Dec. 9th, 2006|09:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Wanna Be My Lover (Lisa's bumpin tunes...) | ] |
Sigh. It's December 9th.
My first semester of college is drawing to a close.
Finals. They suck. But I'll deal, because I get to go home!
I'm getting my winter coat! I'm going home!
I need to get away from Scranton for a little while.
I love it here, but my heart is at home.
I was thinking about this the other day:
What if love, friendships, family, and all interpersonal relationships were easy?
I think that there would be a great deal of dispassion.
I like things the way they are, right now. They're hard, but I'm harder.
Sometimes challenges make you realize that you were miserable when things were easy.
If every emotion, every comfort, every warm feeling of pure adoration came delivered tightly on a silver platter... I'd probably wouldn't have much to talk about, or much to live for at that.
I am content with things the way they are.
I'm thankful.
I'm excited for Christmas and New Years and 6 weeks at home.
I'm excited for myself, and for my new found will to live, and live happily.
I'm finally starting to realize that if I spend life longing for everything I don't have, I'm going to really miss out on what I do have. Maybe the fairytale ending isn't ideal. Maybe what is ideal is right now. Absolute interdependence. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 23rd, 2006|10:26 pm] |
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i love matthew cerreta absolutley. |
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| home, home on the range. |
[Nov. 22nd, 2006|11:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | AAAAAAAH FREAKAGE | ] |
| [ | music |
| | AAAAAAAAAAAAAH FREAKAGE | ] |
HOME!
it's odd, but its like i never left.
chilled with kerri, shelly, and trav today.
i feel like kerri and shelly were chryogenically frozen until now.
trav i feel like i missed a whole fucking lot. it's been a while homie.
taco bell!!!!
and everyone else i've yet to see.
BOBBY.
ah!
i am going to fucking cry probably. i'm that gay. |
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| now all i wanna do is have fun with my loved ones |
[Nov. 19th, 2006|04:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | You Can Do It - Ice Cube | ] |
I'm out of my rut!
I am out of my rut!
Goodbye rut, you remember that girl Maddy who was all up in your shit for like a week and a half? Well, she's gone. Some other poor individual can occupy your space now. SIANARA!
It helps that I have the greatest friends in the world. I talked to Matt for like 3 hours the other night, which was great, because I haven't done that in a little while. And I needed the breeze to shoot. So that was niiiice.
Patrick is worrying me. Not worrying me. But I'm just a little preturbed by the fact that he has yet to talk to me about stuff. And Cat talks to me about everything that goes on, but that used to be Pat's role. And not that I don't appreciate the closeness with Cat now, but I'm just missing Maddy and Pat talks. Heart to hearts. They'll come back though. And soon. I feel that.
I've sorted out the rooming situation that was plaguing me for the past month.
To room with Loopy or to not room with Loopy.
To not. And it's not that I want to exclude her. She's just so fucking immature and needy. I can chill with her on a daily basis, but not a living basis. It's just too much. So Catherine and I will room together in a quad with Homes and Veronica. Which is going to be fucking awesome because I could not imagine dorming without Lee. She's the fucking best roommate ever. We screamed today for like 2 hours about Cruisin World and Hustlin. I love her.
Last night I had an awesome night. I went to a party for the first time in like 6 weeks. I used to be down with the party scene, but sweaty basements and sardine style people were just not my thing. So I paused, but I realized last night that I must venture out to parties more often. I felt like the fucking president. Everyone I know at college and then some were at the party I was at last night. Plus Lindsay and Michelle who were awesome to catch up with because we havent really chilled at a party together since the beginning of the year. It was nice to reunite the SJB Girls ....minus Kristina Pappas.
I don't know.
I'm too excited for this break.
I can't wait, I never thought I'd NEED Long Island so badly. |
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| i wish there was an over-the-counter test for lonliness... lonliness like this. |
[Nov. 12th, 2006|03:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Something's Missing - John Mayer | ] |
hello rut. i'm madeline hurley, and i am in you.
well, not exactly. i am just growing tired of pennsylvania. i love it, i truly do. but it's just growing a little old on my new york heart. i need unfresh air. i need cheap pashmina scarves, 2 for $5. i need brooklyn. i need the brickwall and this new life we've all grown into without the subtitle of 'st.john the baptist'. i need my sister. i miss her more than anyone on this earth. i absolutley fucking hate that complete happiness, if only for an hour or so, isn't a 10 minute drive down grand avenue and a left on west 8th. there is no more hi-ho silver st., there is no mary waving to me from the screen door on storey, no dawn to share hockey jerseys with... no hannah! no bozo! no overpass or sump!!! there's no kerri-ann, no tropi, no delta or the wonderful person who lives down the street from it. there's no michelle may, anywhere. cat is quite possibly just as cool as her, but there is no shelly may in my daily life anymore.
and rut, while i discuss various nostalgia. i am still in you.
but life here, it's morphing into something great.
i'm happy. as much as i can be for Scranton, PA.
There's things that this place lacks, but then for all that THAT is worth, there is something great about it here. I'm wholey myself yet i feel like I'm losing something.
Whatever. Fuck this entry.
Can't wait for thanksgiving break.
i won't say goodbye rut, because i'm still all up in ya.
but 'something's missing, and i don't know how to fix it.' |
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| why must i think of this until i find peace and quiet in the drownings of my mind |
[Nov. 2nd, 2006|03:22 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | EXCITED | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 311- Other Side of Things | ] |
so i think the last time i wrote in this journal, i said "i'm in college."
i think i should go a little further than that.
i'm in college, at scranton, and i love it.
it's amazing. people are amazing.
i am myself, completely, and people love me for it.
my friends, are seriously the best.
my three best; catherine, pat, and lauren.
catherine: my buddy since orientation. weed brought us together, weed keeps us together, we smoke weed together, and we live for weed @ the U together. she's amazing. she's everything i loved about my few girl friends at home, but she's catherine and she's insane. we hold conversations without speaking. we roll clip blunts. we roll, tightly. i love her.
patrick elizabeth loftus: he is my male counterpart. if my mom had a boy and lost him, i found him. we have bonded. it's real. we'll be close forever, and forever. and then after forever, we'll be chillin on a bench somewhere on campus bullshitting for one more hour.
lauren LOOPY zeitenger: she is my Long Island sister. she's a twin, but she should be mine. we laugh at the same stupid shit, constantly. she likes fairly good music. her and shelly may would be good music partners. we are the lotus kids, you better take note of this...
and as for my roommate?
Lisa... she's great. HOMES!!! We don't refer to eachother by our names, just YO HOMES! she's a 93 pound crazy firecracker of a girl, and i love her. she's the best roommate ever, out of any of my friends or acquantances' roommates. Staten Island.
and as for me? I'm home. I'm me. I'm free. I'm doing it. I'm learning how to be so comfortable, it scares me. I'm Madeline Hurley, I take no prisoners. Whatever the fuck that means.
alright tasty little livejournal. i've sufficiently told you about college, plus is 2:30am... and i'm high and looking to score crazy amounts of pillow time. |
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